Brains....

So many days I just want to turn off my brain, to shut off the constant rolling over of scenarios, conversations, potential ideas and past mistakes.  I wish my brain wasn't so analytical and set on looking at every aspect of my life and those around me from every possible point of view.  It is exhausting.  I'm told that it shouldn't matter, I shouldn't care so much, that I go above and beyond.  Does anyone realize it isn't even so much of a choice of what I want to do, rather it is something I have to do to be able to live with myself?

Living with ADD has been described as living with hundreds of TVs all turned on to different channels in your head at once.  I don't have ADD, but there are days when I think I can understand what it feels like, when I have not only my own struggles to deal with and how I will accomplish MY to-do list, but then someone else's life derails and I'm sent into recovery mode.  Pick up their pieces, dust them off, pass them tissues, let them melt down and then begin the reassembly process.  My to do list tends to fall by the wayside, my apartment usually looks like a bomb went off because it's always the bottom of the priority list.

Yes, I suppose there are upsides, of being so in tune with people.  It makes it easier to read them and figure out if I'm on the right track, but it would be nice to have the option of when it happens or not.  There are just some days when I'm too tired (or think I am) to deal with anyone but myself, but the brain doesn't take days off.  I can't even send it on vacation!

I guess I'll just continue on, leaning, leaning, leaning on the everlasting arms.

The Unknown

I can only imagine, it must seem that all I do is spend my days reading Oswald Chambers!  LOL Honestly, I don't, but when I do read his work I am always struck by the depth and truth in his point of view.  His explorations and teachings have greatly impacted my life.

I'm hanging by a thread, I don't know what the next move in my life is.  All I know is that when I let go, it will be a free fall to God knows where.  I don't like not being able to see around the corner, to see what's coming next.  I don't like it at all, not one teensy bit.  I should be excited for what may be coming, because in the long run, it can only be good for me, that much was promised a long time ago.

From My Utmost for His Highest: 

Naturally, we are inclined to be so mathematical and calculating that we look upon uncertainty as a bad thing... Certainty is the mark of the common-sense life; gracious uncertainty is the mark of the spiritual life.  To be certain of God means that we are uncertain in all our ways, we do not know what a day may bring forth.  This is generally said with a sigh of sadness; it should rather be an expression of breathless expectation. 

Life Lessons from Calvin & Hobbes

I think it's safe to say I tend to have a Calvinesque approach to the idea of romantic relationships......

Restless.....

Spring has made me restless for all of my years since high school.  Maybe it happened before then, too, but I don't remember.  It is a feeling that makes me want to drive for days, be away from people forever, sit on a mountain top listening to the birds and admiring the handiwork of my creator, spend the afternoon on the bank of a secluded stream trying to coax a Brookie out to snack on my bait, or sometimes it is even enough to just drive really fast.  Something in my head makes me more introverted than usual, more easily tired by other people's troubles, and more prone to just giggling and being silly to try to cope with all of what is running through my brain.

I don't know what causes this.  It could be the long winter's cooped-up-ness that is finally melting into freedom, but I don't think that is all.  Autumn brings this on as well, but not as noticeably, nor as strong.  It could be that I am so emotionally and spiritually "spent" by the end of the winter that I am parched, dry and thirsty for change; change that I know can only come from a change within, but sometimes needs a boost from an external change as well.

It is encompassed by a desire to run, to write, to get "out" of myself.  This desire to leave my shell, my failure and start fresh.  However, I realize this would be futile.  For to truly be starting "fresh" I would have to lay aside all of the lessons I've learned through life, both from failure and success.  This would leave me prone to making even MORE mistakes, screw ups, and tragedies.  This is not the change I want.  I need to retain the lessons, but shed the human skin to reclothe myself in the righteousness of God.

Yup, I fail miserably.  If the only person sewing these garments were myself I would be dressed in ragged, poor quality, strings everywhere and shabby.  Thankfully, there is a master designer who clothes me in more beautiful things than I can imagine.  I still struggle to wrap my head around why, or how he could possibly love me that much, but my heart knows.

I guess if I'm honest with myself, it is my head that is restless; my heart knows right where it belongs.