The Unknown

I can only imagine, it must seem that all I do is spend my days reading Oswald Chambers!  LOL Honestly, I don't, but when I do read his work I am always struck by the depth and truth in his point of view.  His explorations and teachings have greatly impacted my life.

I'm hanging by a thread, I don't know what the next move in my life is.  All I know is that when I let go, it will be a free fall to God knows where.  I don't like not being able to see around the corner, to see what's coming next.  I don't like it at all, not one teensy bit.  I should be excited for what may be coming, because in the long run, it can only be good for me, that much was promised a long time ago.

From My Utmost for His Highest: 

Naturally, we are inclined to be so mathematical and calculating that we look upon uncertainty as a bad thing... Certainty is the mark of the common-sense life; gracious uncertainty is the mark of the spiritual life.  To be certain of God means that we are uncertain in all our ways, we do not know what a day may bring forth.  This is generally said with a sigh of sadness; it should rather be an expression of breathless expectation. 

Life Lessons from Calvin & Hobbes

I think it's safe to say I tend to have a Calvinesque approach to the idea of romantic relationships......

Restless.....

Spring has made me restless for all of my years since high school.  Maybe it happened before then, too, but I don't remember.  It is a feeling that makes me want to drive for days, be away from people forever, sit on a mountain top listening to the birds and admiring the handiwork of my creator, spend the afternoon on the bank of a secluded stream trying to coax a Brookie out to snack on my bait, or sometimes it is even enough to just drive really fast.  Something in my head makes me more introverted than usual, more easily tired by other people's troubles, and more prone to just giggling and being silly to try to cope with all of what is running through my brain.

I don't know what causes this.  It could be the long winter's cooped-up-ness that is finally melting into freedom, but I don't think that is all.  Autumn brings this on as well, but not as noticeably, nor as strong.  It could be that I am so emotionally and spiritually "spent" by the end of the winter that I am parched, dry and thirsty for change; change that I know can only come from a change within, but sometimes needs a boost from an external change as well.

It is encompassed by a desire to run, to write, to get "out" of myself.  This desire to leave my shell, my failure and start fresh.  However, I realize this would be futile.  For to truly be starting "fresh" I would have to lay aside all of the lessons I've learned through life, both from failure and success.  This would leave me prone to making even MORE mistakes, screw ups, and tragedies.  This is not the change I want.  I need to retain the lessons, but shed the human skin to reclothe myself in the righteousness of God.

Yup, I fail miserably.  If the only person sewing these garments were myself I would be dressed in ragged, poor quality, strings everywhere and shabby.  Thankfully, there is a master designer who clothes me in more beautiful things than I can imagine.  I still struggle to wrap my head around why, or how he could possibly love me that much, but my heart knows.

I guess if I'm honest with myself, it is my head that is restless; my heart knows right where it belongs.

Long Time Coming

I've been meaning to write about this for a few weeks now, but keep getting side tracked.....SHOCKER!  A lot of things have changed or have been new this semester.  Yes, I am still an RD, but I am no longer an official student (which I am LOVING).  Over the past couple years many of my close friends in the area have moved, I've changed churches, and well, life overall has changed.  This fall I decided to become more involved with my church here, this is a big step for me because I've always been pretty non-committed to church extra curricula's.  This may be because I'm pretty independent or it could also be because I was raised in a church without them and just have no experience with that type of involvement. I don't know for sure which...maybe both?

Back in October, I signed up to join a Growth Group and was hoping for one with younger people who I could connect with and be fed and encouraged...my spiritual mentors and people who kinda kept me going had pretty much moved and I was only involved in groups at the time where I was the leader, feeder, etc.  It was draining.  Well, God is funny (I'd say sometimes, but it seems to be more of an always) and my group is all people who have children my age :)  HA.  However, it has been fantastic so far and I am learning a lot and I love the people.

Still looking for peers/friends who share my faith I also jumped at the opportunity to join a college-30's group who would be discussing the book Radical by David Platt.  So far the discussion has been great, but the before hand interaction is less than great.  UGH.  These are days when I really hate being my awkward introvert self. :(  The hard part has been that the majority of group (about 18-20 men and women) have all grown up in this church and all know each other very well and while they are all more than happy to introduce themselves, but they then all head off to their corners of the room to talk amongst their best friends.  The handful of us who aren't from here, didn't grow up in this church, and who don't know anyone else are then left very awkwardly standing.  I've tried to join conversations or to initiate them, but so far it is just awkward awkward awkward.

My introvert self struggles sooooo much in these situations.  Here at the college, I am fine, most people never know I would rather DIE in social situations, but I think that is because I feel like I have something to offer students, I can help them, I have something to do.  At this group, I'm just one more person who struggles to make small talk, and when people answer open ended questions with yes/no and just move off to be with their friends, it is gross.  I've been reflecting a little in the past few days, for me, this group is almost like being right back in junior high and high school again.  I had pretty much no friends at that point in my life (which many of my friends now find hard to believe), everything was awful and those who I did consider my close friends were a guy 3 years younger than myself, one in my grade, and a lady who was old enough to be my grandmother.  I really abhor dead end small talk conversations and when I am asking someone what is happening in their lives or how they are I don't think people get that I really do want to know, that I really want to know who they are, what makes them tick and what makes them laugh.  I think it is a societal thing where society as a whole is so obsessed with go-go-go and the extroverts who dominate the societal norms that these short answers revealing nothing are okay, safe, and expected.

Lest this post sound depressed and complaining, I want to assure you that is not my intention!  I fully understand there is place for both extroverted and introverted personalities in the world.  I also am positive that I am supposed to be a part of both of these groups, no matter the comfort level for myself.  I am learning, I am growing, and I want to will to continue :)